Being your mom has been tough, really tough. There were times I really didn't think I could do it, where I just looked at you and thought "there is no way I'm going to survive the day". But I did, and many more just like it. Outnumbering those days are the ones where I put my head on the pillow knowing I am the luckiest person alive, I am your mom.
The infant stage was grueling, with endless bottles, diapers, sore arms, tired back, lack of sleep, much of it a blur. I couldn't wait until you could walk and I wouldn't have to carry you everywhere, until the diapers would come to an end, until you could tell me what was wrong and it wasn't a lopsided game of charades. Oh my babies, what I wouldn't give for just one day of that, just one. I want to hold your little bodies, snuggle up to you and just stare at you. There were two of you and one of me, I know I didn't spend the time I wish I had with each of you, you had to share. The guilt of that will be with me forever, no matter how many times I hear "you did what you could, there were two". Yes I know, but my mom heart wanted to have what singleton moms have.....
Then I got my wish, and you could walk and the words were coming, you were toddlers. You had places to go and never were they the same as each other. I was frustrated and humored. It was as if someone opened the flood gates of growing and independence and there was no stopping it. You two becoming little people right in front of me, almost overnight. The joy I had getting to really know you through talking to you, was amazing. You were at different speeds, my baby girl a bit ahead of my little hummingbird, but that was just fine with me. It was because of that difference I was able to get to see it happen twice and enjoy it again. Oh the crazy things you two would say, nothing is funnier than hearing your two year old say something they heard you say earlier in the day.
Preschool came, I survived handing you two over to someone else to care for and teach. I won't lie, I cried the day each of you went to your first day. Much like other milestones, you did them on different days. Oh how you changed in just a few weeks of being there. You were making friends, getting guidelines that were not from our home, learning to socialize appropriately with other kids and adults. I remember looking at you thinking, you will never be the same.... and you haven't been.
Every stage has been a learning experience for all of us. We adapt and we grow. This latest preschool stage has been tough for me. You come home telling me of the ups and downs of making friends, how a certain little girl is mean to you and wouldn't let you play with her, how a certain boy is the love of your life and it's a "true love". On more than one drive home my mom heart hurt, it also felt as though it would burst from hearing the joy in your voice.
It's only been a little over five years since you came into my life and I've experienced more love, frustration, joy and happiness in that short time than in the rest of my years on this earth. Thank you my little lovey lovies. Together we will forge ahead with all new adventures this new season will bring. But when I have to turn my head or leave the room for just a second, be patient, my mom heart needs a moment. My mom heart needs to get back in sync with my mom brain that knows this growing up stuff is a good thing and needs to happen. I have no doubt you will succeed and thrive in kindergarten, you are talking about it now with such excitement, this helps me a lot. But I know I will need a few drinks and some support to get through that first day. Thankfully, I will have it.
And when I need a few extra minutes with you, to cuddle and feel the soft warmth of your skin and to look at your beautiful faces please give them to me, I'm trying to savor these moments that seems be flying by faster than I thought imaginable. One day, these will be memories I must think of to get my "fix". This mom business is tough....
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